Saturday, November 19, 2011

Pride and Procrastination:The saga of a youngish unpublished writer

Last year I discovered something rather interesting about my inner athlete.  It's that I have no inner athlete.  None whatsoever.  I was training for a half marathon because I really wanted to find some inkling of an inner athlete in this ballerina body. I truly have admired marathoners and triathaloners and the whole Olympic spirit that surrounds you people.  I love that the apostle Paul uses athletics in so many verses to describe this life we have to run for Christ and finish for His glory.  You athletes have such cool passages to inspire you.  I wanted to be inspirational like you.  But you know how it mile 10 my knee cap pretty much fell on the floor and I nudged my running buddy and said, "Hey look, my knee cap just fell on the floor" and so I went home and drank my chocolate milk and pondered...."Why can't I be like an athlete and have inspirational scriptures and proudly give Paul a high five when I get to heaven?"  I really was bummed out.  Okay, maybe for like five seconds because the inner artist in me started getting in the face of the inner athlete, that actually wasn't ever there, and saying "I know you want to be spiritual but whatever happened to the artistic thing?"  Some massive wave of creative insanity came over me at the beginning of this year.
This is where I it goes...
I am a HUGE writer NERD...
I can't get through the day without writing a poem or jotting down an idea for a childrens play.  I can't hear a song without starting to choreograph a dance in my head.  I can't look at a twisted pile of collected orchard branches without imagining a photo sitting.  I can't watch my kids laughing over some funny animal we find in our science book without writing down my next picture book.  I can't read a Bible passage without humming a melody that would suit how it makes me feel.  I can't turn it off.  It's like a broadway musical going on in my head ALL DAY LONG.  Sometimes I feel like that guy from A Beautiful Mind constantly writing notes every where and recording tunes in my iphone recorder.  I AM crazy...a fun crazy that my family doesn't seem to mind but most certainly crazy and a big fat writing nerd.  So here's the issues that I think the Lord has graciously solved in my mind over the past month...
My greatest fear in sharing my writing is this...that I would look like a show off.  That kind of freaks me out.  I want to be a godly Christian not a show off Christian.  I don't want this to be yet another source of pride in my long list of struggles with lame.  My second fear is that this would turn into yet another thing that I procrastinate on.  (Let us pause and find humor in the fact that my two most obnoxious habits both start with 'pr', pride and procrastination which I will probably write about in a poem some day.)  I have been praying and wondering over these two issues for the past year. 
Pride and Procrastination...the saga of a youngish unpublished writer...Well, the Lord answered as He always does...
Why should I shut up my creativity and assume that putting my name on anything automatically takes away the glory from God?  God didn't tell David to shut up when he was singing all those psalms in the Bethlehem hills to his little lambsies.  God didn't tell C S Lewis to shut up when He was writing the coolest allegorical books of all time.  God didn't tell John Newton to shut up when he was pouring his heart into the most tear jerking hymn of God's redemption.  It seems so shallow now how I thought it wasn't honoring to the Lord to share what I write.  Yes, in my sin I can turn it into pride but oh the JOY that is before me just to enjoy you enjoying what I enjoy!  I don't hear the Lord telling me to shut I won't.
I think I know how to solve my procrastination problem but those who read my blog might have to be the ones that suffer.  I don't do well working by myself.  I need a sounding board.  I need to know that someone will see this at a set time so I actually get some steady work done.  I don't have any writing friends or a writers club and I am not in a season of life that I can go off gallivanting whenever I want to find such things.  I have a set amount of time every evening to myself and little people asleep in there beds whom I am watching over so I'm not going anywhere.  It's a good thing this blog is called half made because I think I'll be showing a lot of that.  I just need to know that some one else is seeing it.  That makes it fun for me and motivating.
As of today I have one picture book almost completely illustrated by my AMAZING illustrator friend and a plan to self publish hopefully some time early next year.  I have four completed picture books awaiting illustrations from my illustrator (MY illustrator not yours) and I can not be more excited about this.  I don't know how long this will all take, I don't care if I don't make any money, I don't mind if they never get put next to Sandra Boynton's books because, you know what?  I am having fun making my kids laugh with our little books that I wrote about them and I want to share them with your kids and this is just so much FUN and I can hardly stand all the fun I'm having! 
I am embracing the writer nerd in me.  It is a very natural part of my day to write stories, poems, plays,and songs with my kids.  How amazing is this life the Lord has given me!  You know what athletes? Writers have cool scriptures too.  "For we are His workmanship(poem) created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them. (Eph 2:10)  I am God's poem and I am half made!  I love the first verse in Psalm 45 that says...
"My heart is overflowing with a good theme; I recite my composition concerning the King; My tongue is the pen of a ready writer."
I feel like that all day heart really is overflowing with a good theme. 
I guess I've told you everything.
Pray that the other 'pr' words stay away and take care to remind me that I have no inner athlete and I should just stick to my writing.  And are God's poem.  Sleep on that promise.

1 comment:

  1. Aw man you truly have a gift my dear! You have the kind of writing that makes me want to keep reading....which is the best kind really ;) its like you say the things I ponder and/or worry about but can't exactly express and then bring it all back to keeping the Lord first. May God richly bless and show you how to keep using that gift and blessing others with it!
    Ha ha and as someone who is a little more athletic than artistic....I get jealous of you artsy fartsy types too :-)