Yeah, I met Katy Perry Once

A brand new Christian solo artist was hanging out in the lobby after the concert.  She had only sung one song to open for two other bands.  My friends and I were waiting for Tree 63 to sign our CDs when I noticed her standing by herself a couple of yards away, looking very awkward and ready to get the heck out of there.  I remembered that this was the same solo artist that had been at the Calvary youth camp with our church last winter.  There were hundreds of kids there at that youth camp so I had never bumped into her but my close friends had gone snowboarding with her during one of the free afternoons.  I walked over to her and said “hi” and “great job” and “have a nice whatever” and moved on with my life.  It was only right after this last Super Bowl, when my friend posted a picture of herself with this solo artist, that I realized that this Christian solo artist was the future Katy Perry.

I know. WHAT THE WHAT?

I have not seen her movie she made about her rise to stardom which includes her choice to leave her Christian faith.  I have read several comments on how she blames it on being raised in legalism though I'm sure that is certainly not the complete reason.  I don’t know her full story.  I know it breaks my heart.  I know God is waiting with open arms and complete forgiveness when she does come home to Him.  I know her parents must grieve for her.  I know my heart would grieve if one of my own children walked away from Jesus.

I think the rest of this post is going to make it sound like every Christian kid that walks away from their faith does it because their parents strangled them with legalism.  That is not what I’m meaning.  Christian kids leave their faith for billions of different reasons.  I, for one, do not want my kids to walk away because of legalism.  It would tare me to pieces.  My following thoughts are just from a perspective that sees the trend, the natural inclination, the desperate things we do to keep our kids from drugs, sex, and alcohol.  I see the desperate thought that if we add this rule and that rule onto the Gospel of grace, maybe our kids will be too scared to death to walk away from Jesus.  If I tell my kids that fire and brimstone await those who wear short shorts and listen to Katy Perry then maybe they will be more inclined to listen to me.  You guys...parents really shouldn’t lie to their kids.

We get fire confused with water.  You put your hand in fire and really bad things happen.  There are many sins that God has outlined in the Bible that you just must not do.  You do those and you are playing with fire.  They will cause pain, destruction and maybe even death.  God can always heal and bring you back from them.  There is always forgiveness but fire leaves scars that you may have for the rest of your life.  Then there’s water which is much like our Christian liberties or preferences.  You put your hand in water and you'll be just fine.  Even more so if you add soap.  Our wear this, listen to that, watch this, hang out with them, and be a part of that.  It’s water.  Some of us find that water too murky and some say it's clear and fresh.  That water over there is rushing too fast but for others it’s just fine.  This water is too hot.  This water is too cold.  This water is just right but somebody drank it all up.  This water is full of tadpoles.  Some people like tadpoles.  It’s water.  God didn’t call it fire in the Bible and neither should you.  God tells you exactly what sexual immorality is.  It’s fire.  God did not tell you exactly what bands not to listen to.  It’s water.  You seek the Lord and dip your big toe in to test it out.  Go find another lake if that lake doesn’t float your boat.  It breaks my heart when parents lie and say that God calls that thing fire when it is just water.  Don’t use legalistic lies to keep your kids on the straight and narrow.  Don’t add to the Gospel.  I keep reading Galatians 5 over and over again these last couple of weeks.  We have no yoke of bondage, Christians!  We are free indeed!  Do not enslave your children in legalism thinking it will help save them from walking away in the future.  

I tell my daughter (This really hasn’t come up with my boys yet. They think Legos, Avengers, and sitting on each other is what shapes all life choices.) at the end of almost every reason-why-I-don’t-think-this-is-good-for-you conversation: This is my choice for you.  If you have a friend that gets to do this you should not look down on her in any way.  It’s just a preference.  It’s not written into the Gospel.  If you think you are holier than her because you don’t do that it is called being self-righteous and it is wrong.  It is legalism.  It’s what the Pharisees did and you remember how displeased Jesus was with them?  Go about your merry way and don’t think you’re better than anyone nor anybody. 

I pray so hard that this settles deeply into her soul.  

When she says something like, “I’m glad you don’t work.  It’s so sad when kids can’t be with their moms.”  I do not say, “Yeah, why would moms even do that?!”  I do say, “You know honey, I am glad God has provided a way for me to stay home with you guys but you need to be careful how you think about that.  Moms that work love their kids just as much as I love you.  I am not a holier person because I stay home.  It’s just what God has called me to do.  I’m not holier than them.”

When I say, ”I know that’s a popular style but I really think your legs are too long for it to look very modest on a ten-year-old girl,” I also almost always finish with, “You might see that style a lot on your friends.  Do not tell your friends that your mom doesn’t let you wear that.  I kind of think it sounds self-righteous.  Just say something friendly.”  (Hey now.  Maybe you think that all tweens and teens will only complain about their family’s rules but I know plenty that will go the other direction and be self-righteous about them.)

The self-righteous declarations that come out of your mouth have a huge impact on how holy your children think they are compared to others.  Keep your words peaceful and quiet and out of other people’s business.  You judge other folks' water preferences out loud in your home and boy oh boy will your kids do the same.

I see all those lovely fruits of the spirit listed at the end of Galatians 5 and not one of them says “never listened to songs that didn’t mention God” or “never once wore a skirt above my knees.”  

"Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control"…that’s what I see listed and that's what I want to see in my kids. 

Guys, I agree with Paul and Galatians 5.  

Let fire be fire and water be water.  The Bible tells me so.  I’m praying for you, sweet Katy Perry.

Teaching Your Child to be Teachable

I command you to read this entire chapter of Proverbs before you hear anything that I have to say.  It will remind us that our children do need to listen to us.  They do need to be teachable.  The Bible tells me so.

Hear, my children, the instruction of a father,

And give attention to know understanding;

2 

For I give you good doctrine:

Do not forsake my law.

3 

When I was my father’s son,

Tender and the only one in the sight of my mother,

4 

He also taught me, and said to me:

“Let your heart retain my words;

Keep my commands, and live.

5 

Get wisdom! Get understanding!

Do not forget, nor turn away from the words of my mouth.

6 

Do not forsake her, and she will preserve you;

Love her, and she will keep you.

7 

Wisdom is the principal thing;

Therefore get wisdom.

And in all your getting, get understanding.

8 

Exalt her, and she will promote you;

She will bring you honor, when you embrace her.

9 

She will place on your head an ornament of grace;

A crown of glory she will deliver to you.”

10 

Hear, my son, and receive my sayings,

And the years of your life will be many.

11 

I have taught you in the way of wisdom;

I have led you in right paths.

12 

When you walk, your steps will not be hindered,

And when you run, you will not stumble.

13 

Take firm hold of instruction, do not let go;

Keep her, for she is your life.

14 

Do not enter the path of the wicked,

And do not walk in the way of evil.

15 

Avoid it, do not travel on it;

Turn away from it and pass on.

16 

For they do not sleep unless they have done evil;

And their sleep is taken away unless they make someone fall.

17 

For they eat the bread of wickedness,

And drink the wine of violence.

18 

But the path of the just is like the shining sun,[a]

That shines ever brighter unto the perfect day.

19 

The way of the wicked is like darkness;

They do not know what makes them stumble.

20 

My son, give attention to my words;

Incline your ear to my sayings.

21 

Do not let them depart from your eyes;

Keep them in the midst of your heart;

22 

For they are life to those who find them,

And health to all their flesh.

23 

Keep your heart with all diligence,

For out of it spring the issues of life.

24 

Put away from you a deceitful mouth,

And put perverse lips far from you.

25 

Let your eyes look straight ahead,

And your eyelids look right before you.

26 

Ponder the path of your feet,

And let all your ways be established.

27 

Do not turn to the right or the left;

Remove your foot from evil.

Your child is often learning something new and/or something they dislike.  Whether it’s a new or old school assignment, a new or old chore, a new or old character lesson.  Whatever it might be, you are trying to teach it and they are not getting it or they think they get it and would rather you stop telling them that they don’t have it. 

How do you teach a child to be teachable?  How do you prepare and soften a young heart to be open and humble enough to learn and be challenged and corrected so that his heart is a growing beautiful garden of LOVING TO LEARN and choosing to be a HUMBLE LEARNER.  How do you teach them to be open to learning and mastering something new?  What is the formula to keep the door of their hearts wide open to the challenges of being the HUMBLE LEARNER?  To being the one that that doesn’t get it yet but is willing to start with the baby steps.

It’s frustrating to be the kid that is constantly being trained in something new.  But it is an absolutly normal, necessary part of childhood.  I’ve been racking my brain for the perfect analogy and then I hit a wall…just kidding.  The analogy IS a wall.

When your child is learning a new thing it is always going to be like a wall for them to climb over.  Have you ever been on a mud run?  Or possibly stood on the sidelines and laughed and pointed at people in a mud run?  It seems the perfect analogy for what your child’s brain is going through when they are learning something new.  They’re running along enjoying the wide open space to “run with it” but then they hit a wall…

They can’t go under it.

They can’t walk through it.

They can’t run around it (unless they’re cheaters and nobody’s trying to raise cheaters).

They have to flex they’re muscles and climb over it.

But what if they sit down, lean their forhead against the wall, and cry?

What if they start and re start climbing the wall and they can’t seem to make any progress?

What if they refuse to even consider climbing the wall and they do cheat and run around or they just quit the whole race?

It breaks my heart to see children, of any age show such disinterest in climbing learning walls.  Such indifference at trying something new.  Either because they

A.   Don’t think they’d be interested in it.

B.  Don’t think they’d be good at it.

C.  It would require to much work.

How to fix this? Darn it!  How?

When you condition their heart to set aside feelings of indifference, feelings of insecurity, feelings of frustration, you are condtioning that heart to LEARN.  You are turning flimsy feelings into flexing muscles of learning.  When you are teaching your child to not take it personally when anybody is asking them to do something that they aren’t good at yet, you are creating a moldable, teachable heart.  When they think they already know everything, yet you stop them and teach them to accept correction from someone else, you are giving them a humble, kind spirit that humankind is going to be graced with wherever they go. 

Getting over that wall matters.  It’s a big deal.

You need to use your own judgement on how high to make the wall, in what style of coaching they would best learn, in when to rest for a minute and then try again, and in what the appropriate reward would be after they get over the wall.  My kids are different from your kids and my parenting style is different from your style.  But get over that wall!  It matters.  One of my kids responds best to standing there with a stop watch and me yelling “Ready, set, go!” while my other kid responds best if I google the scientific proof that learning this would be advantagious for him.  My girl just wants my company so I just stand on the other side and yell, “Hurry up, so we can go watch a musical.”  But they all need to get over the wall.  It matters.

When he’s 12 months old, you are teaching him to pick up toys and put them in his little toy box.  That’s just a little wall but it matters.  When he’s 5 and you’re teaching him his letters, don’t let his feelings rule the process.  Help him over the wall.  When she’s 7 and can’t stand doing dishes, tell her she’s going to be doing dishes for the rest of her life so get it done lickity-split.  It matters! 

It’s sooooooooooooo hard though.  Half of the time I’m totally into coaching my child over the wall but when they sit down and cry, I often want to sit down and cry right next to them and then go eat ice cream.  But I don’t want my child to be that closed off, unteachable child when he is grown.  I have to make the effort NOW to mold his heart to be teachable.  

In walks the power of prayer.  In walks the days and hours and weeks of coaching our kids over learning walls.  It’s all about winning their hearts for the Lord and away from themselves.  That’s really what you should tell people who ask you what you do for a living. 

Oh you know…just sitting around…WINNING MY CHILD’S HEART FOR THE LORD and coaching them over LEARNING WALLS.  GOSH.

Go for it.  Make them climb that wall and watch them run with it.

This matters so much.  Soft hearts and willing minds can do great things for the Lord.  Get out their and teach some hearts to be teachable.

Kids Argue and Parents Ears Bleed

“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”  Proverbs 15:01

It’s very hard to blog about something that you haven’t completely figured out or fixed yet.  It’s hard to say “Do this and it will fix everything” when “I already done tried this and it didn’t fix nothing.”  Oh well.  I'll open my big mouth anyway.

My top two least favorite parenting issues that I must swim through are figuring out who’s lying to me and listening to siblings argue all day.  When I say swim through, I don’t mean swim through some blue lagoon in an Italian grotto.  I mean swim through QUICKSAND.  I don’t post about my family’s faults because it’s rude so you probably all think my children are perfect angels.  They are not.  Sometimes they do argue.  I have two very strong, opinionated leaders and two “I would just like to go crazy right now, if you please” non-followers.  It gets crazy-bananas in my house most days.  I repeat the above verse a lot.  I have been none to harshly yell it across the house which is ironic, right?  They have it memorized.  I repeat it to myself a lot to because there is something about listening to arguing all day that makes me want to say harsh words.  Here’s my top three things to do if you want your kids to argue all day and what the opposite of that looks like. 

1       Argue With Your Husband In Front of Your Kids

The perfect model of conflict antiresolution, nonresolution, or deresolution is to pick a fight with your husband and call him names like idiot, your mother smells of elderberries, stupidface, or the like.  Say nice words to him.  Don’t pick the poor guy a part.

2

      Let Them Work It Out On Their Own

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah…Sorry…that’s just really funny because THAT NEVER WORKS.  Remember that whole thing in Proverb 29:17 that says “Correct your son, and he will give you rest: Yes, he will give delight to your soul.”  Parents.  Dudes.  How are they going to learn to solve conflict without a conflict counsellor.  They need you.  It’s way more important then the organic, BPA free dinner that you are preparing right now.  The conflict resolution that you teach them today is going to be hugely appreciated by their future spouses and bosses.  Get in there, counsellor!  You don’t throw your dinner ingredients on the counter and say, “See you later, ingredients!  You’re chopping and cooking yourselves tonight.”  That’s just crazy-bananas. 

3 Find Guilt in Only One Member of the Ongoing Argument

An argument is an argument.  They are both wrong.  Nobody is choosing to be the peacemaker, therefore they are both wrong.  They both need an appropriate consequence and one or both of them needs to compromise.  It has to do with the heart.  And use stick figure drawings to illustrate your point!  My beautiful, award-winning stick figure drawings have blown some minds over here!  It is so obvious when one of my children is purposefully being kind and loving.  Make a big deal when you see them make that choice.  Alert the marching band!  Start the fanfare!  Draw attention to the peacemaker! 

Example time!  I love this part.  It’s like a fable only you use people and not freaky animals eating each other.

Fred and Stanley are arguing over one teeny tiny Lego guy.  You are busy cooking your organic, BPA free dinner and hear the argument grow louder and louder which will result in a fist fight at any moment. 

A.     Ignore it.  Whatever.  Yell, “Spankings will happen if you punch each other.”

B.     Wonder what BPA is

C.     Call them over and give a brief and encouraging reminder that their heart needs to love which then causes their hands to share and their words to speak peace. 

Which did you pick?  I admit I pick A waaaaaaaaaaay to often.  I never pick B because who cares but when I pick C, good things usually happen. 

This is a 20 year process for most of us.  You’re not going anywhere for a while so settle in and get used to the Rinse and Repeat that parenting is made of. 

The kids are waking up now and I need another cup of coffee and maybe one more Proverb to face the day…I am cultivating peacemakers and that’s mighty thirsty work.

Seriously, right now share something in the comments on how God has blessed you with wisdom as far as teaching your kids to be peacemakers.  I could always use some more wisdom in this area.  Wisdom equals sanity.  Parents could always use a little more sanity. Spill the beans for me because you can't stand to see me without sanity.  Love you guys!